Faith

When you look closely enough to see through the glitzy, fashionable, "together" outer shells of people, you notice the conglomeration of raw feeling; the deep, unchartered ocean of emotion, and the sense of incompleteness, of inadequacy, of broken pieces barely being held together. The unseen patchwork of dirtied, ragged pieces. A subtle yet achingly exsistent awareness of imperfection; you see the intense inner struggles against the ingrained nature of Sin, and a constant dissatifaction with the outcome of compromise. And you see a raw need - a complete hunger - for freedom, for something more, something complete, whole, clean. Something else, something that is no longer of the ordinary. An audible voice. A sign from this God that he is listening. Desperation to see him, to touch him, to feel his arms around you. You get to a point where you can do nothing more than dump your load of self-righteousness and sophistication at the foot of a thing called brokenness. Because this need, this deep, deep hunger, keeps coming back, no matter how we try to bury it or push it away, and reminds us of the shipwrecks we really are. The skeletons needing real, thriving flesh. We become aware of the fact that we can't do this life on our own. We really need help. So badly. From outside of ourselves. Because we can never have it completely together…But even when we reach out to find empty space, faith takes the rebound, and we cling to hope, to words he has spoken, and put our trust completely in a thing called Grace. Knowing that in our weakness, He is strong; in our sinfulness, he bore the nails; in our holes and failures, he never failed, and in our repentance, he forgives.

Knowing that we will never get it perfect can only result in one conclusion:

We need so desperately the One who is perfect, in every way. Because no matter what presents itself to us, what we think may be solid and tangible, will never become too tangible and bank-worthy to write off the parts of us that we know are incomplete and will always be incomplete. We’re always left with a portion of corroding doubt. But faith defies that, and it’s all we have; faith is what connects us to salvation; faith, though puny, though invisible, is the thing that declares us to God. Whatever outer layers we accumulate, they will never fully disguise the emptyness and need that lies underneath; the longing for acceptance and affirmation. Nor will they ever completely blanket the equally strange stirrings of certainty that fulfillment can be achieved, just not from anything inside of us. And a persistent urge for improvement, an urge to become better, get cleaner somehow, we are never able to wholly deny.

So our need for God is great; the measure we acknowledge that with will be the measure with which he reveals himself to us in return.

In his name there is Hope. There is peace and joy and fulfillment and purpose and destiny and Salvation. In reaching up to him, he reaches down and lifts the burden of condemnation off of our shoulders. We are weak, yes, but it is our weakness that magnifies his strength. Our dirt that magnifies his Purity and Beauty, and his Love that covers all offenses and brings with it rest for our souls.

Relationship = Growth

I am thankful for the people I have in my life.
Sometimes, I don't know where I would be without them.

I am living and learning, and making mistakes along the way, but without the support and genuine interest in me that is nourished by those that know me best, I would never grow; indeed, I would very well continue along a path of ignorance. I think, to avoid sincere relationship is to submit yourself to the ignorance of your own flaws and failings, and to live day by day unaware that you have the potential to fulfill even greater potential; to be oblivious to opportunities for growth and a deeper maturity is to place a great hindrance on becoming someone who is able to be used and trusted, and to developing faithful, responsible character. And our lives are spent so quickly!
The capacity to change and grow is not something more conducive to adulthood; it is for anyone who is willing.
I think maturity has nothing to do with age - but everything to do with willingness and a desire for understanding and personal growth. The thing is, for growth of any kind to be productive, pruning is essential. And areas we have that need to be pruned are not usually visible to our own eyes. Otherwise, we would take more caution to prevent those areas from growing. Sometimes, the foliage of our own lives, characters and mindsets look the same shade of green; the same 'healthy' luster from every angle to our own eyes, but someone else may notice a wilting, withering branch beginning to droop from the place where they are standing. And it's then that, when notified of this, we are the only ones capable of deciding whether to cut that dying branch off, or let God remove it. And in the process, be willing to undergo the exposure of our pride and the embracing of vulnerability. 
Which could possibly be two of the hardest ideas for humans to grasp. They have been for me. And I am guilty of walking down the path of ignorance, or the path of pride that generates ignorance, because I have been afraid of these very things, and the discomfort that is caused by having layers of myself stripped back or cut off. But I have discovered that the pruning is indeed necessary to having a vibrant, mature, meaningful, productive life, and is somewhat the key ingredient to sustaining deep, honest relationships with people. Which has always been one of my greatest desires. To have thriving relationships not only with other people, but also an intimate, thriving relationship with God.
Because I sincerely believe Relationship equals Growth.

But it demands an openness to change and a vulnerability to moments of discomfort and confrontation and requires the ability to see these not as things to take up offense at, but to see them in the context of the bigger picture, which is ultimately the growth and maturing of your own character and purpose and call. And your ability to be molded and refined into something that God prizes, and can use.
Most importantly, this pruning process requires the befriending of a thing called Humility, and the embracing of a process called 'being humbled'.
Sometimes, making mistakes and looking foolish amongst those you know and care about, and who know and care about you in return, is far better than walking in isolation and ignorance at the expense of your pride, and the avoidance of growth, and the fulfilling of your potential. Learning to see correction  and words of caution as beacons of light pointing you in the best direction, instead of attacks on your own person, or who you are is the start of the journey towards success and maturity and wisdom. It is learning to see that the bearers of these messages want the best for you, and care enough about you to want to keep you on track when they notice you digressing or falling behind. If others didn't care, they wouldn't take the time.
I don't think it is possible to have growth without relationship, and true, sincere relationships without growth and change being the main result.
God is a God of relationship, so it is only normal that we should be refined and challenged and shaped into something beautiful through these. All that is required is willingness, humility and vulnerability, and an understanding of God's heart toward correction and discipline to be able to welcome it with open arms instead of running away from it and becoming stale and stagnant. (Proverbs 3:11-12)

Relationship = growth.

To stand humbled in a place of worship before God, knowing that you are richly blessed and moving forward, maturing and growing, while at the same time in close relationship with people is, I think, a place that God designed all of us to be.
So again, I thank him for those he's placed around me to uplift and strengthen and build into me, because I wouldn't b where he wants me to be if I took these relationships for granted. God shows me his love and care for me through the words and actions of others.

He is amazing <3

Letting Go

Dismal train stations flash past my window;
platforms of watery grey.
My heart weighs heavy inside me...

    I want to cry.

The sky echoes the shades of my soul,
lying ominously low.
I am wound so tightly, frozen in reverie.

   Teach me how to let go.

Space for Rent

I love the thought that God remains.
Nothing I do; all the trials I face... the struggles, the complications; my failings and shortcomings, my internal struggles and sorrows... all the pride I accumulate; my tendency to run from him, to depend on my own incomplete self, to strive; none of this changes the way he is, the way he sees me, and the fact that he holds everything in his hands - that he doesn't change no matter how much I or my circumstances do.

The God that struggled with Jacob, that spoke to Abraham and made a promise to Isaac; the God that raised up Joseph in Egypt, is the same God that walks in relationship with Me today.

And there is a need... a constant need that brings me back to this one thing:
I need him.

No matter how successful I become, no matter how many accomplishments and accolades I am able to boast of; no matter how much respect, admiration and support I may receive from others, I cannot sustain and satisfy myself. And neither can any other one person. Weaknesses remain, and a part of me is constantly longing for something no human can offer. I can try to disguise it, cover it over with temporary things, and run after my own desires, but eventually, they find an end, and I am left with nothing but pride and selfish rebellion to fill the space.
And it's then that its existence - every single time - brings me back to that one thing.
God remains. He doesn't change, and I need him. I need him.

And the most humbling thing is this. God, despite me, is still willing to use me. His purpose he still fulfills, and his promise still stands, despite how much I fight and run and fail and rent out the space that he longs to fill to other parties.
He never fails.

So don't rent out the God-shaped space!!

Home is where the Heart is

Nothing beats family. People change, we grow up - it's been a long time since we were little kids, but in some ways, you return to that chapter of the story when you go home. And you get those precious glimpses of what, despite everything, will always be the same.

It's amazing to think that though we change so much, and journey so far from that point where it all began, God never does. He remains the same. He's been there the whole time.

^{Malachi 3:6}

⁶ “I am the Lord, and I do not change.

~Psalm 65:5~

You faithfully answer our prayers with awesome deeds, O God our savior.You are the hope of everyone on earth, even those who sail on distant seas.

Words of Weight

Here is another thought; I came upon it during another of my excursions deep into the depths of my blackberry archives. It was wedged carelessly into a pile of yellowed, musty old sermon notes, so I have dusted it off for you and smoothed out the wrinkles in an attempt to return it to its former state, and hopefully, bring back some cohesive dignity.
It was written some time ago.

I don't want to be the kind of person that just says all the right things, but does things that are right, and sincere, and purposeful, and out of doing, and loving, and giving, then learns to speak words that count; words that can be weighed, and in time, applied,  providing sturdy stepping stones for someone who may find himself or herself suddenly without an explanation,  floundering in a murky swamp of confusion, in need of a lifeline - a direction.
Words that will have a weight of sincerity and wisdom behind them, and a strangely familiar ring in their utterance. Words that, upon reaching the ears of those listening, will resound with significance because of the journey that was first walked, and the paths, highways and by-ways that were explored and pioneered and navigated that gave them their substance and color... and weight.
All the battles, the victories, the losses, the gains. The joys of living, the sorrows of pain, of letting go and starting again.
Words that will uplift, and clear away a bit of the debris for someone, and shed some light, some HOPE.
Out of these experiences we emerge; we discover what we want to say. Our characters are formed in the places we least expect to find ourselves, and by the people we least expect to ever meet.


Be. 
Do. 
Speak.

Blackberry bits

In the days of my youth, before I ever had any such thing as a mobile phone, or even dreamed of owning one, I would often be out somewhere, lost in daydreams or wandering wayside paths in the summer heat, when suddenly,  inspiration for a piece of poetry would descend on me, or a thought would flash through my brain that, upon reflection, I would feel I needed to record in writing.

But, usually being equipped with nothing but a few morsels to eat in case I should find myself feeling peckish during the course of an excursion, or the dog, or a tag-along sibling, this was often impossible to accomplish. Thus, I had to try to store up thoughts and musings in my head until any paper or ink should come into my possession. But oftentimes, by the time it did, my mind had already emptied itself of these great insights into the human psyche, (aka the musings of a naive, idealistic little girl) and I would find myself staring blankly at the blank page before me, wracking my brains for what I knew had been there awhile ago.

Now, the years of rudimentary memory journaling are a wee way behind me (but not too far), and I have in my possession a piece of technology that I find to be very handy when I now find myself facing such dilemmas. 

The Blackberry.

I can be anywhere, doing anything; out walking, watching the sunset, picking up shells from the floor of a sandy cove, having a coffee with a dear one, or even cooking and cleaning. And there it is, small and compact enough to be nestled nicely in my pocket, ready and waiting to accommodate me in my effort to keep track of all the poetic ideas I could ever conceive. It is equipped with all kinds of word tools and document programs, and its own little keyboard of miniature letters.

Perfect. 

I have now come to rely upon this little guy for backup whenever paper and ink are not within my reach; because after all, they are still first on the list. 

Nothing could ever replace real paper and ink... words seem to have more weight when they are written; when they are penned in a neat, sincere hand onto something that can be held, and folded neatly and tucked safely away for future reference. History survived that way. Because someone took the time to record what was taking place in their every day circumstances and realities. To that person, back then, these happenings and events may have seemed commonplace and tedious. But to us, years on, we find they were significant events that shaped the way we live today, and paved the way for people to be able to think and advance and experiment the way we are advancing and experimenting today. 

So, keep the paper coming, I say!

But... returning now to the topic of the handy Blackberry.

The other day I was scrolling through some of the notes and ideas and thoughts I've saved on mine, and came across a few that I thought I would share.


This one was entitled 'Weakness'
I am content with my weaknesses, with the places I've come from, because they remind me of my need for Christ, and I don't want to forget how much I need him. Without weaknesses, or a stubborn refusal to acknowledge them, I know I would.
But when I know I can't exist without Jesus, salvation becomes a way of life, not just a religious ideal, or a prayer at the end of a sermon. It's an unfolding revelation - one that does not lose significance, but gains it with the passing of time. And I learn that out of my weakness, he reveals his strength.
And where I end, he begins.

Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9


Psalm 136:23 - He remembered us in our weakness.His faithful love endures forever.