The Rythyms of Grace

//The more self-aware I become, the more I see that I need to fix.
The more I see that needs fixing, the more I will attempt to try and fix it myself.
The more I try to fix myself in my own strength, the greater the load gets. And the greater the load gets, the more I realize that I will never be able to fix everything.
I have learned that self-awareness at a certain level comes with a price. And that is, the fact that the number of things in me that require fixing will only ever multiply; they become so numerous, these weaknesses, areas of lack, default tendencies, perceptions, fears and reasons begin to fill my mind to capacity. And that in turn, employs all my mental strength.
In other words, there are so many holes in my sack of sand, all of my focus is centered on trying to plug them up, but the sack seems to be made of hemp...

Holes are inevitable.

And if they are inevitable, plugging every single hole is impossible, without living a completely self-centered, inward life.
That was not what we were made for, but so often we find ourselves in that very place - striving and imitating those we perceive to have less "holes" in their sacks. Striving soon results in exhaustion, and an exhausted person is ineffective, and unable to give anything.

Grace: covers the holes
Hope: in eventually receiving eternal freedom from burdens
Faith: to shoulder the load

Awareness, if it takes my mind off what Jesus did at the cross - which is, the salvation of me: an imperfect, blemished person - and puts the focus on all my blemishes, is basically a challenge to Salvation. A test of faith.

At the end of the day, I could know so much about myself and all my weaknesses and areas in my life that need improvement; I could understand and grasp every method needed to fix and correct these areas, but so many begin to appear, it would probably take a lifetime to see it done. A lifetime spent. A life lived in that way would end up being completely self-centered.

The more aware I become, the more reason I have to be thankful for grace; to have faith that I was made to be in partnership with God, because He completes me. His grace is sufficient for me, and His power works best in my weakness. All my hope is in Him.
And what He's done in my life in the midst of my completion - despite all my failures and weaknesses - is what really matters. It's the point. That is how he reveals His goodness, His faithfulness, His generosity, His love and compassion, to others. My life is a message of His love. Through a relationship with you or I, though it would seem so completely incomprehensible, he makes known his passionate desire to be in relationship with every single one of us. The sole core of love is generosity. It is to be shared.
If I am too consumed with my weaknesses, I have no capacity to accept His greatness. In His greatness, God laid aside a royal throne, his pure and radiant divinity and sovereignty - His rights as the Creator of all things - to blend in with mere men, and serve them without accolade or demanding recognition or honor; to die a renegade's death, paying the debt of my sin, and my weakness.
He did it so that I might surrender my incomplete self to him, and receive complete rest.

“Fallen man is not simply an imperfect creature who needs improvement: he is a rebel who must lay down his arms.”

–C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind [both its inclination and its character] is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You, and hopes confidently in You. - Isaiah 26:3

This is what the Sovereign LORD,
      the Holy One of Israel, says:
   “Only in returning to me
      and resting in me will you be saved.
   In quietness and confidence is your strength.
      But you would have none of it.

                      - Isaiah 30:15 NLT